my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
