she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
