I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
