my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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