i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
