when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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