Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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