I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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