never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
