my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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