no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You're earring is so big in my mouth
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
