So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
