I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
