I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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