What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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