My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
