I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
