I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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