My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
