Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
