on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
