i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
