doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
