I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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