i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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