And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
