i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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