The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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