i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
