Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I deserve this hangover.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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