Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
even my farts smell like vagina
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
