I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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