After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
