everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
