my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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