Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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