Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
