he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
