I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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