I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
