You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
