The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
