How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He had one of those small greek statue penises
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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