just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
