i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
