i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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