If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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