I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
