Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
