Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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