how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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